Yesterday was a day I definitely don’t want to remember or experience ever again.. I don’t want to have the same feelings.. I don’t want to go through what i’ve been through! And I don’t want to feel useless, helpless and very depressed. I just kept on feeling that it will never get any better,, time wouldn’t change things! And when someone loses hope.. then dark would only be seen.

I had the worst 24 hours one can think of or imagine .. ! nothing mattered anymore.. no one really mattered .. and I just wanted to hide.. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone! I know that Im depressed when I turn my mobile off or have it on silent.. this is the first depressing signs that I usually get .. and I just wanted to keep it off for weeks!

I was so down to the degree that no matter what happens around me, nothing would make me feel any different! I was just laying down, with my eyes close and open.. falling asleep and waking up with no real track of time.
Less than a week and I will be 25, yet all I felt was numbness ..

It’s funny how a simple phone call can shift your mood and make a world of difference,,, it’s funny how hearing someone’s voice would give you all the strength you lack and more..
It’s funny how hearing the caring tone would make you have all the determination you need to start a better day and give you all the positiveness you want to have faith in a better tomorrow.
Im glad I started my day with this phone call.
Sometimes with all the love around you,,, all the support, attention and smiles you’d be getting from the
close ones.. it would still be different.. it wouldn’t be so complete! And there would still be the ONE who has it all.. all the answers… the magical touch that wipes away all your pain and misery.

It makes me laugh when I hear about the ones who plan to do something devilish.. knowing that it’s totally wrong and can never be justified ,,, they intend to do it and decorate their devil work.. they spend months or even years to draw the scheme, and they follow the steps carefully and skillfully .. they do whatever it takes to get to what and where they want.. they do all the unaccpeted twisted things and behaviors,, they create all the sick thoughts .. and then when they get there, you hear them saying ‘Oh, I think I feel a little bit guilty!’.. well guess what?!… Good for you!!! you deserve it .. and now the fun part is gone, it’s time to handle the consequences.

There’s nothing worse than this feeling that tears you to pieces from the inside,, gets to you and pollutes your soul.. and no matter what you do, you’ll never change the way people look at you! it will keep haunting you forever.. no matter how much you try, you can run but you can never hide!

There’s nothing worse than the inner voices you keep hearing,, than the nightmares you’ll always be having… the continuous voices in the background reminding you of how low you are. It will attack you again.. and again! It will EAT you ALIVE.

“Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings.”
– Nicholas Rowe

The other day I had this extremely annoying, difficult to please or deal with- passenger, so I decided to cut it short and act in a way that would cause less mess and trouble .. I planned to nod my head and agree to whatever he says.. just because If I disagree, I’ll get into an endless , crazy argument that would only make me feel mad, bad and in the mood to pick a fight with anyone around just to let it all out… and would get us to nowhere.. really!

He started by asking me the same question that he’s been continuously asking for the past few months.. and this is one of the reasons that made me strongly believe now, that some people should not be helped, or offered any advice.. they will cause nothing but a headache.
He was trying to get his wife into his family points system account,,, I told him that I need her Jordanian passport to do so (because those are the rules) .. but since his wife doesn’t have one.. he just wanted to throw his anger at me..

I was explaning that Im not the one who came up with those rules, if it was up to me I’d add her and the whole neighbourhood.. but he kept on saying how mean they can be not to think of the possibility that someone might get married to a different nationality holder..
I said I understand your point and I really know what you mean .. you’re totally right!
This is when he said .. well it seems that you just want to say anything, just anything, to stop me from talking… now, you’re standing by my side so that I would have nothing to argue about!!!! Again, I tried to remember all the communication skills’ courses I’ve attended, and of all the nice things in the world.. the sea.. the beach.. the sounds of the birds, so that I wouldn’t lose my temper.

Then he just went on and on talking about it.. his wife, children.. and everything that comes to his mind -seems like he wants to talk but there’s no one to listen so he said.. oh why not! I can talk now about my personal issues.. and as I seriously had so many things to do, I couldn’t think of anything else to say but .. aha, yeah, aha.. then the bomb got exploded when he said… oh now it seems you’re not even in the mood to listen to what I say.. not in the mood at all..

Of course Im not in the mood to listen to what you say! Im not here to listen to your family stories.. nor to your life problmes… !

To think of that now, I won’t be taking it from anyone anymore.. Im NOT EDGY!!! So stop saying that .. one who handles this shit almost everyday should be considered anything but that..

*sigh*

Work

I think I need to change the way I act and react towards certain things and some issues. Im really bad when it comes to anything that has to do with asking for my rights! Maybe because I get shy and all.. or maybe it’s because I just hate to hear the word ‘NO’. So I’d rather not ask from the first place.
But one thing I know for sure now is that you should never be too good, or at least you should not make them get used to the good side. They will just ask for more and more… I remember when I was first employed, I was too shy to say that the salary is not good enough. And then later on when I had all the work loaded and kept getting more and more things to do.. I was too shy to ask for a raise! I was too shy to say it’s enough.. that Im fed up and I need a break!

And since I like to work and get really mad when I have nothing to do, from my 18 -annual leave- days, I never took more than a week - for three years now.. and this only made them used to me being around, so when I ask for a day off .. it would feel really odd for me and for them!!!

The other day I was out with a friend, and she was telling me that she’s looking for someone or a particular party to fund her masters studies.. and then she went to her boss and asked him to help -if he can! I was looking at her and saying WOW.. I get too shy to ask for a day or two off,, and if I take any I would always give an excuse immediately even without being asked for one! What she did for me meant a … WOW… I would never have the courage to do such a thing.

But I know it’s not right, and with this attitude I’ll get to no where.. I hope with time and experience I will get to this point where I’d ask for my rights loudly and strongly…
Nodding your head and saying YES to whatever offered is not good enough to get you to where you want..
It will just make you a follower…