‘Photo taken by: D’

It is when I realize that I am spending all my time on research and studying, I look out of the window.. and wonder how would it feel to have all the time in the world again, how would it feel to relax, how would it feel just to enjoy.. Am I missing out on all what can be fun!!? At times like this, when I desperately need a break, when I need to go back and taste the sweetness of not worrying about time, not worrying about deadlines, group meetings, finals.. the answer would be simple and clear.. YES, I AM!

This is the first time when I feel sad because my boss is leaving. The news was extremely shocking and unexpected! She was not only the one who interviewed and employed me .. but she was someone who made me believe that working here is fun even when it is about reconciliations and even when it’s about dealing with scary, too complicated, humongous amount of data.

So she was not only the financial manager, but someone who’s fun- and usually you don’t get to see both in one person.

I have never imagined being this sad when a manager leaves. But I am! It’s like a solid base is no longer there.. and I don’t like all the new things that will be planned for the coming months accordingly, precisely after her departure.

yeah.. it is scary! the more I think about it.. the worse I feel. Why does it always have to be like this, great professionals are the ones who normally leave when everyone around is laid back .. not the other way around!

I often get confused when it comes to what people say and consider as a joke. Some of those jokes I find extremely unacceptable, especially when there’s a hidden meaning behind them. I learned it the hard way, I will REFUSE and will never let anyone interfere with my personal life. I will never ever think that revealing what’s personal help in solving problems, cause after marriage your personal life would happen to involve two.. and it’s so unfair to consider it as yours only. I will not allow anyone to cross the lines, and I would fight anyone with ill intentions, causing troubles even without intending to.

It’s just amazing all the levels of maturity that develop after marriage, and it’s astonishing the strong feelings of protection that you get to hold for your little kingdom. There should always be this unbreakable fence around it, and if you let anyone in even if only once, others would also follow, and this will make things way out of control.. what started with a mistake will end up in a tragedy.

I learned that you can say things to the wrong people.. you can hear things that can affect you for quite a long time from the wrong people too.. and when it gets tough you’d find it hard to differentiate between a friend with a good intention but lacks the skill to express, hence gets misunderstood.. and a bad friend hidden carefully behind a colorful mask. You can do many things that might seem vague to others, and this all shouldn’t really hold you back.. cause it would all happen for the one and only reason.. keeping the ship moving smoothly away from any destroying waves.

I learned that it’s great to be sociable, but it’s not too great to be too nice. That it is in your hands to make things work or walk out on them. That you need to open up and be honest with yourself before looking for answers from anywhere or anyone else.. and that patience, faith, and confidence can be the key to almost all closed doors and can get you out of everything including the unthinkable.

it’s amazing how songs can always bring back a certain memory, they would make you live that moment again and again no matter where you are or who you become. One song would get me back to that cheerful child, sitting with dad in his old white car, going to school every morning.. talking about everything and anything, just to make sure that my sleepy dad would be all awake when he drives back.

Another would just get me back to all the summers we used to spend in the pool all day long.. the burning sun, the strong lovely smell of coconut oil, the french fries and ketchup.. they used to play Fairouz every single morning, teery ya tiyyara teery.. i can still remember the exact words, our laughs and fights on whose jump was more impressive.

There are certain songs that would remind me of the drives we used to take.. me and my two sisters, and the times we used to go the malls.. which became more or less like a habit, even if that meant to go there only for an ice cream or a nice walk!

Others would just get me back in time, where I used to drive with friends, open the windows, and sing loudly.. get all the energy out, and just enjoy.. the louder the better..

I would remember this phase where I was waiting for something to happen, I would spend hours on the computer playing brainless games and listening to music.. I wanted to relax without having to worry about anything.. as if there is nothing in the world that matters anymore. And those songs would get me back to that state of mind, where I go numb..

But our wedding’s first dance song will always be the one that brings joy and happiness to my heart.. it would get me back to that dance floor, with family and friends standing around.. looking and smiling at us.. my mom and sisters’ tearful eyes.. as much as I was scared of that dance, as much as I enjoyed it. Everything turned to black, and it was just me and my hubby.. I memorized the words.. and I was there singing with all my heart.. as I hear it again, it gives me goose bumps. I remember every step, every move, every smile.. as it was only yesterday.

Songs representing pain, love, tears, loss, hatred, hope, faith, and loneliness.. songs reminding us of certain people that were part of our lives… songs that are linked to an event, to a place or a face.. they all still exist, and they still have that same effect regardless of what, where, or how!

The funny thing is that ever since I came here, my parents seem to worry a thousand times more about anything and everything. The fact that my dad is a doctor, and him taking things easy.. he has seen many sick people.. and diagnosed some fatal diseases.. so for him a flue is nothing, a cold doesn’t mean a thing, and a fever shouldn’t keep you in bed. But now it’s all different, if I say Im having a headache.. he’d become really worried, acting as if it’s the end of the world. If i tell him anything.. and the anything would include me wanting to be spoiled for fun, he’d tell me to go and see a doctor!

And now with the cooking, my parents were both suggesting that I’d call them anytime I need anything.. and considering the time difference this would be insane! After I showed how much Im against doing that, they had this brilliant idea of me cooking at night which would solve the time difference issue! This is absolutely crazy and i wouldn’t consider cooking at night for sure, but at least they come up with all the possible solutions and always seem excited about them .. anything that would make me happy.

The unconditional love parents show can’t be described in words. The amount of respect and admiration I have for them grows with every passing day.. It’s distance I guess that opens your eyes to all the things that were taken for granted…