The other day I was chatting with my sister and she was telling me that our grandpa died four years and 6 days ago.. my reaction was REALLY!? And she said how come you don’t remember the date? Not even the year?

It’s then when I realized that I try to block the memory… the saddest memories are the ones which I keep in this black box at the very end of my mind, and whenever something reminds me of anything that’s even close to what hurts, I just block it and push it further..
Im not sure whether it’s good or bad, but I know for a fact that it’s the only way to control my extremely sensitive nature. Does this mean Im able to control my emotions? Or better to say it means that Im scared to let those emotions control me so I try to avoid them as much as I can and avoid getting in a deep depression…

It hurts not to remember those dates, the bitter moments, the painful memories .. but then again what good would happen from remembering them? If you lose someone so dear, then the memory wouldn’t get him back, nor would the broken heart.. and even when I want to remember him, I don’t think of him as sick or weak laying in the hospital’s bed for months.. I blocked that too, long time ago! All I remember now is how strong and healthy he was.. sitting in his favourite corner close to the table with his grandchildren photos’ frames…

I really hope that this black box would hold no more blocked dates or sad memories, I hope that 2008 will be a year with all the happy events that I would want to remember and treasure for years to come..

Going back home the first time is a must. Being homesick can be hidden deep inside you without realizing it.. it might be something that’s haunting you but you keep pushing it away, until it just hits you and you can’t take it anymore, yet you don’t know what exactly is going wrong.. it’s when your life is split into two, when you’re doing one thing here but thinking of what can be done there.. it’s then when you should think that maybe you need to enjoy what you have more and stop thinking about the what ‘might be’..

The good thing about being back is that it gets you to face reality and your true feelings. And when you make sure that your family is doing great.. friends are cool.. everything is just the way it is, the way it was just before you leave.. you’d miss it back there.. you’d miss being away! When you get to spend some lonely mornings, while everyone is at work.. it’s then when you realize that they’re all moving with their lives but you are in this unexplainable break.. and you just need to move on.. just like everyone else!

Being home for the first time, makes you value what you had.. treasure what you experienced while being away.. It gives you all the strength that was not there, especially when you finally believe that your parents are happy when you’re happy.. they are proud of you when you’re achieving your dreams.. being far doesn’t mean that they would love you any less, on the contrary it just means that they respect your choice in building the future.. and they would love you just as much, if not even more..

Last night was the first time I cry because Im away! It’s not that I don’t feel down from time to time cause I miss people back home, but yesterday it was different.
The circle of people you miss when you’re away gets smaller with time, and those who stays in your mind always and forever are the parents, siblings, and few very close friends. The rest will be there, but remembered only when certain incidents happen. Not more than that.
It happened.. The thing I was scared of the most! and It felt horrible.

So what happens is that I can be strong, I can be anything no matter how I really feel, and as long as people around me are happy. When I sense that my happiness would cause someone else’s misery.. or that my dad is not feeling ok because he misses me, then this is when It hurts the most.

I don’t usually pay attention to how I feel, as I see it this way, I gain my happiness from people around me. Their happiness means my happiness. As long as they’re ok then Im ok.
And the fact that I love to be there.. if someone feels down as I’d strongly believe that it’s my responsibility (even if I have nothing to do with it) to make him feel better, and me being away does not help in anyway.
It hurts a lot, when you have all kinds of different emotions mixed together.. you’re sad because you want those that are close to your heart to be happy yet you can do nothing about it. You’re confused, you’re down, you feel useless. This is when it gets harder.

so I cried myself to sleep, and I thank God that today looks like a better day…

I had a tough emotional day at work! I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t imagine it would be this hard.. I started to clean up my things, and to put away my pink funky glittery long pens… the bling bling mugs and all the mess! And of course my Kenya- nescafe mug.

I decided to send a farewell e-mail to my LH colleagues all over the world- to let them know that my last day at work would be wednesday the 20th of June and that they can contact me at my personal e-mail. I didn’t expect all the deeply touching e-mails I got, I had goose bumps while reading some.. and I was close to tears.
I have a mixture of different feelings,,, it’s extremely sad to leave after 3 years. I don’t deny that there were many times when I felt frustrated, down and mad at things but now as Im leaving I cant remember anything other than the good times and the precious moments I’ve spent there.

Coming Wednesday, I know it will be harder.. I can’t imagine passing by later on and seeing someone else using my computer, my chair, my desk! And I can’t imagine how painful it would be to give the place one last look before I leave.

My colleagues at work are getting me a farewell gift, and It just feels weird as I still remember a year ago - us doing the same thing to a colleague who left to the States. Back then I had no idea that a year after -it will be my turn. It affects me so deeply hearing the words ‘you will be terribly missed’!.

My weakness point is my sensitivity! Being too emotional is something I wish I can change!
I look back at the past three years and think of how different I’ve become,,, of all the experiences I gained,, all the friendships I’ve made,,, and all the travelling I did! I look back and feel proud of who I am today, and how far I’ve come. The responses I got after announcing my resignation makes me realise that those past three years will be remembered not only by me, but by everyone who knew me and was part of them..
I look at my LH ID, LH business card, uniform, certificates,,, and I smile.. as Im moving forward with all the positivenss.. knowing that It’s the beginning for me and a new bright start.

Have you ever known the feeling of having so many things to do but not knowing from where to start!?!? Im going through this phase where I just don’t know from where to start..

and now I have a very famous sentence that I keep saying ’since all brides always get so busy in the final weeks -whether they started with planning for things earlier or they don’t- i’d rather leave it all to the end !!!

I know exactly what I need to do, and I know how much time there’s left.. yet i keep thinking it’s still too early! i’ll do it later!! And I know for a fact that I’ll reach this point where there will be no later and I’ll start to regret it, yet with all this im still in the same place!… the more I postpone the more I feel im behind but this doesn’t make me move any further…

I am on a sick leave yet Im not using this time to get things done.. I’ve never been this lazy! It’s just the thought that there are plenty of things to do freaks me out.. !!! I need a miracle I guess to finish them all by the end of this month.. time flies and I thought I will get it all done and have extra time to relax… it seems I’ll just have to hope all things will be done and I’ll give up on the thought of the extra time to relax… !