Have you ever known the feeling of having so many things to do but not knowing from where to start!?!? Im going through this phase where I just don’t know from where to start..

and now I have a very famous sentence that I keep saying ’since all brides always get so busy in the final weeks -whether they started with planning for things earlier or they don’t- i’d rather leave it all to the end !!!

I know exactly what I need to do, and I know how much time there’s left.. yet i keep thinking it’s still too early! i’ll do it later!! And I know for a fact that I’ll reach this point where there will be no later and I’ll start to regret it, yet with all this im still in the same place!… the more I postpone the more I feel im behind but this doesn’t make me move any further…

I am on a sick leave yet Im not using this time to get things done.. I’ve never been this lazy! It’s just the thought that there are plenty of things to do freaks me out.. !!! I need a miracle I guess to finish them all by the end of this month.. time flies and I thought I will get it all done and have extra time to relax… it seems I’ll just have to hope all things will be done and I’ll give up on the thought of the extra time to relax… !

I like people whom I deal with to be open and honest,, to share their inner thoughts and feelings, and I find it really hard to deal with ones who just hide it all,, I can’t communicate with people who hide behind masks. Maybe because I just can’t hide anything - or at least not for so long. If Im mad, no matter how hard I try, I ALWAYS show it.. i don’t wait for a long time, because for me - it’s just like this -the more I wait the worse it gets.

This shouldn’t necessary be the right way, or the best way to deal with things .. and because of that it caused me so many problems,,, it was the reason behind the fact that close friends got mad at me at times.. made me lose some old friendships,,, but It’s just me.. I say what’s there the minute it happens, and no matter how much would that hurt, I’d rather say it LOUDLY and BLUNTLY.

If I got irritated by something or someone ,, nothing would stop me from expressing the way I feel .. no matter how huge the damage would be, I’d rather let it all out and be relieved..

When it comes to blogging though, I believe a person can’t say everything. I just can’t talk about things freely, and although I insisted on not attending any of the bloggers meetings that happened over the past year or so -I attended few before starting blogging but stopped the minute I started- so that it wouldn’t affect the way I write or the way I express things (as that means losing the whole point from starting my own blog), but still with all that.. there are many times when I feel there are so many things that should not be blogged.
The more the readers are.. the less there would be to share!

As much as I believe that I will never be able to blog about certain things,
as much as I admire people who have courage to do so.
I admire people who write about a past personal story,,, I admire people who are not afraid to share a bad painful experience,,, I admire people who are not ashamed of a dark yesterday…
Your stories might inspire others ,, they might be a wake up call for someone,, they can give a weak soul strength by knowing that there are people who suffer- suffered or still suffering -too,, and might help someone in making a brave decision,,, a hard choice or simply help in creating a critical turning point.
Don’t be shy.. don’t hesistate.. don’t think twice.. just keep it up!!!

Yesterday was a day I definitely don’t want to remember or experience ever again.. I don’t want to have the same feelings.. I don’t want to go through what i’ve been through! And I don’t want to feel useless, helpless and very depressed. I just kept on feeling that it will never get any better,, time wouldn’t change things! And when someone loses hope.. then dark would only be seen.

I had the worst 24 hours one can think of or imagine .. ! nothing mattered anymore.. no one really mattered .. and I just wanted to hide.. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone! I know that Im depressed when I turn my mobile off or have it on silent.. this is the first depressing signs that I usually get .. and I just wanted to keep it off for weeks!

I was so down to the degree that no matter what happens around me, nothing would make me feel any different! I was just laying down, with my eyes close and open.. falling asleep and waking up with no real track of time.
Less than a week and I will be 25, yet all I felt was numbness ..

It’s funny how a simple phone call can shift your mood and make a world of difference,,, it’s funny how hearing someone’s voice would give you all the strength you lack and more..
It’s funny how hearing the caring tone would make you have all the determination you need to start a better day and give you all the positiveness you want to have faith in a better tomorrow.
Im glad I started my day with this phone call.
Sometimes with all the love around you,,, all the support, attention and smiles you’d be getting from the
close ones.. it would still be different.. it wouldn’t be so complete! And there would still be the ONE who has it all.. all the answers… the magical touch that wipes away all your pain and misery.

It makes me laugh when I hear about the ones who plan to do something devilish.. knowing that it’s totally wrong and can never be justified ,,, they intend to do it and decorate their devil work.. they spend months or even years to draw the scheme, and they follow the steps carefully and skillfully .. they do whatever it takes to get to what and where they want.. they do all the unaccpeted twisted things and behaviors,, they create all the sick thoughts .. and then when they get there, you hear them saying ‘Oh, I think I feel a little bit guilty!’.. well guess what?!… Good for you!!! you deserve it .. and now the fun part is gone, it’s time to handle the consequences.

There’s nothing worse than this feeling that tears you to pieces from the inside,, gets to you and pollutes your soul.. and no matter what you do, you’ll never change the way people look at you! it will keep haunting you forever.. no matter how much you try, you can run but you can never hide!

There’s nothing worse than the inner voices you keep hearing,, than the nightmares you’ll always be having… the continuous voices in the background reminding you of how low you are. It will attack you again.. and again! It will EAT you ALIVE.

“Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings.”
– Nicholas Rowe

The past week made me realise that there are many things that we take for granted, and we just don’t apprecaite all the blessings we have until we go through the pain of losing them,, or some of them! Especially those that are related to health issues.. No matter how happy you are, when you’re in physical pain.. happiness would lose its meaning, and only one thing would haunt your thoughts.. ‘how long would it take.. when will it be over!!!?’

I had one of the toughest week, and then another week.. and hopefully the nightmare will be over! Not even for once it occured to me that I will have to do an operation this month… when I have plenty and plenty of things to do and many unfinished stuff .. all the organising and planning will be stopped for now.. when I thought nothing can stop me! Not at this point!

Simple things become so precious.. the ability to sit, run, walk or just move.. the ability to sleep peacefully,, and being able to drive.. or just go out ,, smell some fresh air.. I stayed in bed for so long that sleeping for me now means a waste of time.. I can’t imagine spending another week in bed! But well there’s no other choice.. i guess!

Through it all, not even once I felt lonely… I was never alone! my mobile was always ringing, and of course my friends were all there..which- as usual - made things much easier.

It’s ironic how we always have a plan, I had a plan for this week and the coming week and the week after,, and last week.. and never -not even for once- it occured to me that something might go wrong.. ! That I should stay in bed.. Never it occured to me that I would need to use my sick leave now.. and not by the end of June.

But well .. all I say now is il 7amdilla.. it could’ve been worse! A couple of weeks … and I’ll be jumping around everywhere..

Thank God.. It could’ve been much worse..